Since freshman year, I was the person that always wandered to the point where it escalated and I fell into depression. It killed me for months until I came out to my parents. I couldn’t stand being unhappy and always hiding in the house. How could you feel so sad at home? I forgot what it felt to wear a t-shirt at the time, long sleeve’s were my best friend. Honestly, telling my parents, especially my father, a huge weight fell off of me. Never did I see my dad cry. Since then, our bond grew stronger. Some of my friends didn’t know but the ones that did know, they wanted to tell my parents but I wanted to instead. I lost myself freshman year and I am still picking up my pieces. I finally learned how to love myself, even my skin. When I look at my body, I looked at my scars and just cried. I cried a lot on my freshman and sophomore year. But I learned to appreciate them and to not ever do it again. I battled and I came through. Throughout the years, I’ve become outgoing and opening myself up more. I am open-minded as if you ask me something, I will be 100% with you. Also I am a happy person, really, my soul says it all. When I get excited, I get excited. For example, when I feel like I’ve accomplished something at the moment, my blood pressure rises and I just explode with emotions through my body. Either I dance around, clap my hands, flip my hair like in the movies when they get really excited when something happens, I DO SOMETHING. But, I feel free at the moment and very happy. But when there’s gaps, God I can be so quiet and just wander, I lose myself in time. But, time is ticking and it hasn’t stopped. Everything is moving too fast and I am still here trying to move onto the next sentence. Lately, things have been different. I am in the stage where I’m analyzing everyone, even myself, and just thinking. I question so many things that are still unanswered. My best-friend, my father, he always gives me advice everyday because he knows how I am, how I feel on just the way I talk and looks. I always ask myself why do I like to wander so much, so curious of what’s happening next and how will things turn out if I did this or that. If I don’t talk much, it’s because I’m not there. Crazy how it sounds but if I don’t talk, I’m not there mentally but I am definitely listening. Usually I need time for myself because I catch anxiety attacks quickly and I need time to understand myself. I always ask myself why do I like to make others happy more than myself. I tend to care more for a world that doesn’t even care. Society is slowly trying to change me but I don’t want to change. My kindness still exists and it’s the best feature of me. Although several people take advantage of it, but screw them. I call myself the flowerchild. I am still learning, growing and glowing. I get picked up sometimes and just thrown away or I get picked up and get kept forever, until I die. People love everything about me, my colors, my vibes, and energy but when I get sad, I just hope they don’t see that side of my because my colors do change and energy and it doesn’t get any prettier. The sun hides away in the clouds and it just pours.
Today was an awkward day, my feelings were everywhere and I wandered. Today felt so real yet so fake. I tried to say something but I couldn’t explain. I still can’t explain. I knew I shouldn’t have woken up on the other side of the bed…
I am fine, I’m just venting.