This is the month, a very important month to me. Hear it, May, a syllable with three letters that means so much to me. I get excited everytime I cross out the days that pass by and see that fewer days are left. There’s just one thing, I am scared. I shouldn’t be scared at all but, what if you don’t like me anymore because I am not the same person as I was before. What if you grew out of it and said “I don’t need this right now” or amything. I am leaving to Nicaragua on May 23 for an extra credit course so, I can fulfill my freshman year requirements. I am scared to go there because this will be my first time out the country with strangers of my college. This trip will be for ten days and then a ten page paper will be due after. I will still count you in for all of those days. I’ll take my journal and continue to write. I just keep thinking positive thoughts but there is always a “what if” that roams around my mind and it plays with me. It isn’t fair! The days are getting closer and I shouldn’t think like that but, do you want to know why I think like that? This is my first ever real relationship, he is my first ever real boyfriend. It’s such a beautiful sentence, phrase, to say “He is mine.” He is mine. It’s getting really scary and I was never in a situation like this. Before he left, we would always be together, either when he was tired from work, physical training or school, he still made time for me. I sometimes feel like he couldn’t say no to me because of how needy I get out but these past months I have realized that if he needs to rest up from a busy day, I’ll let him but, why would you want to be apart? Do you want to be apart? Because I sure as hell don’t. I don’t mind spending everyday with him because even when he isn’t saying anything, I could find it so annoying but, I’d find it so cute at the same time.
What if you don’t find me funny anymore or what if they changed your mind on me? I know what you’ll say “oh you can’t think like that, he loves you”. Can letters really say what the person feels or their expression because knowing about his days, his feelings, what bothers him, what he enjoys keeps me sane. Not insane, but sane. I feel right, like he can talk to me. I just hope he still talks to me because I am scared and once I see him, I might get an anxiety because I never been in this situation or even faint. I’m the type of person that can’t too excited or too nervous, I faint. When I never go through something and it’ll be my first time going through it, trust me that I will have an anxiety attack. Prepare to have ice cream by my side and warm hugs. That’s what my dad does for me because it only happens when he’s around or once, when babe was around and he was worried. I just can’t believe the days are closer, closer for me to finally feel you again. It excites me that I get to see that beautiful smile again, although they corrupted you, but I will bring you back and make you soft even though you’ll be hard as a rock baby. This is a message to you and to him. I confuse my you’s and he’s a lot but hopefully you understand.
Just know, I am really excited for your special day to come. Your family and my family are waiting for you to come home baby. Your family is really excited and can’t wait to come but, I feel like I miss you more and you know why. My heart misses yours, my hands misses your fingers locking into mine and my legs miss wrapping them around yours. My teddy bear, my sweet bookie. Can’t wait.