You know when you have all the great things in your life? Well, do you ever feel like you have everything right in front of you that is simply amazing and you just want to say “I really don’t want to lose this” to yourself because you’re so scared of getting lost in time? Yeah. I feel like that. Everything is at a good pace right now. For once, I get to finally have my happy start because I couldn’t ever get a happy start. All the fake smiles before and the trying for people and the begging, it got very tiring to do until everything started to feel more understandable. For once, the universe is in place and is in your favor and you just don’t want to get lost again.
I don’t want to get lost again.
I want to put everything on hault and just wait a minute. I feel like I do not know what I am doing anymore. The person that knows me the most, that handles me the most, that reads me isn’t here right now and I put myself in a bad position where I put all my universe on him. Which is supposed to be the other way around. I am starting to feel lost again. I do not know where to start anymore. I feel like I am in somebody else’s skin because I don’t feel me anymore. I hate how I can get sometimes and I can’t feel the rush anymore. I am starting to feel lost and I don’t want to feel lost, not when he isn’t here. He always kept me on track and focused and he found out what keeps him on track and focused so, I need to find something that keeps me on track and focused. I feel like I am losing myself in this dead skin that’s slowly peeling off. I want to peel off already but I don’t know what I am going to be. I am scared. I hate how I am sometimes, most of the time with how I am and I just want to change already. I want this dead skin off of me already. I want to be something I know I will be proud of myself, no my parents, myself.
I am scared of feeling lost again. I am 19, I am feeling it already and I want to get out of it.
If I could explain the conversation of what Ssgt. Orama and I had the first time and we he practically set me up and handed me over to Ssgt. Pacheco, I was so ready until things happened.
I am scared of feeling lost and I do not want to feel lost anymore. I want to get out of this dead skin and I need to find something that can keep me on track and focused. I have something that does keep me on track and focused, and it is the reason why I am still here, still writing and still holding on. However, there’s something missing and I need to find it. I can’t find it now or tomorrow but I know I will.
I just hope I find the need and strength to help me finally find out what is missing so I can be complete because everything good is right in front of me. The way things are right now, everything is so good that I just want to give my big man, God a great big hug but, I am just scared of getting lost again. It took me a long time to get out of a page I constantly repeated and now that everything is great at this point, I am afraid I just might lose it.
I don’t want to lose it again.
I want me to happen.
27 June 2017