I Am An Observer

You know how a dog watches your every move: the way you talk, you walk, where you go, your tone, everything. I am like that. I like to know everything about them before they meet me.

I watch everything. I watch people, pets, things, the floor, the movements, what’s different and what’s the same. I observe. Before meeting people, it would be me against the world. I’d take myself out and examining what is surrounding me:

  • the way people talk about others, who they associate themselves with, the little things and the things they think nobody knows about them

I can notice every detail of a person but wouldn’t say anything about it. I would wait until they would tell me and 9/10 times, I am correct. It’s scary sometimes because I don’t want to be correct. Most of the time, people surprise me when they slowly start to change. You think you know a person until you don’t. You tell yourself “Well, what did I do?” and that question will constantly revolve around in your mind until you can’t sleep anymore. People try to find things and insert themselves in to get away from what they are afraid of. I have had so many friends that in the end, I don’t know what to expect anymore.

By that I mean there are no surprises anymore. If a person wants to leave, they can. I try so hard now to not attach myself to people because in the end, they may switch up. So, I keep my distance and just rock with the vibe.

I am very hopeful and extremely kind. I used to drain my brain with thoughts on “I should have done that instead of this” and it almost killed me before. I don’t expect anything anymore, only surprises. By the way, I hate surprises, but when people do it, it is either the good surprise or the “oh, I knew it was going to happen” surprise.

When I observe, it takes me a long while to be able to talk and vent but sometimes I just jump in and never stop talking. I have been doing this since senior year. My dad always reminds me that I should just be me and if people don’t accept that, don’t beg them to stay. Well, I listen to that almost every time but, I give people chances. I have a huge heart and if I ever distanced myself from anyone, trust me when I tell you that it takes a lot from me to stand back because I always run back and find reasons on why I should stay.

When I observe, I try to choose people in who I can trust in and people always surprise me. I believe that it is bad to observe people because I already think of them in one way and nothing will turn me from that single thought. Now, since my boyfriend left to pursue in what he wants to do, I made a vow to myself that I will try and make friends and not be scared anymore. There are people who I am scared to meet mentally because I always get hurt in the end when I do get attached to friendships. The friends I have now are friends who I have sticked with since either 6th grade or the ending of my sophomore year and beginning of junior year.

With my boyfriend, he went through so much for me because I am not easy to handle and I am more than happy that he exists, his soul, his personality, his heart is just so pure, he deserves happiness and basically everything.

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The picture above is something I used to think of, before when I was not sure minded about anything and this note that this person did on tumblr, exactly wrote what I exactly felt and how I felt. Everything before was questions and questions but I grew and I am so glad that I grew.

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I saw this on someone’s instagram’s page and I’ll fall for my boyfriend, Kevin Chicaiza again and again and again. I am not scared anymore, he knows how I am and he knows how much I have grown. This picture above is for him and he completely surprised me, in the best possible way ever. He’s not perfect but his imperfections is what makes him and we’ll survive everything together. For all the grey’s anatomy fans out there, he’s my Derek Sheperd, better yet he is My Kevin Chicaiza.

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I am an observer, so if you are reading this, it’s just how I am. I feel deeply, I fall deeply, the little things get to me and I mean everything I say, deeply. I am the one person that will always find in good you than bad.

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